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All Couples Conflict


What do you and your partner argue about? When the sparks fly, what are the hot button issues between you? No two couples are the same, but what and how couples conflict is fairly consistent. Money, sex, religion, in-laws, children, household responsibilities, how to spend leisure time: these are the big seven. Trust and commitment are also often hot topics. 


Since I’m a therapist, couples often come to me to work these things out. Sadly, many of them are truly stuck by the time they do; the emotions can run very hot in my office. And it’s tempting to jump in and try to fix things for them. Sometimes, I feel like wearing a striped shirt and whistle like a referee, deciding who’s right and wrong, negotiating, finding solutions for them. If I go there, I often end up working harder than the couple and, for all the effort, it seldom works. 

It’s Deeper Than That

Emotionally focused therapy has taught that it’s never really about money or sex or children…. The specific topic is just window dressing. It’s deeper than that. It’s about connection. It’s about attachment and what all humans have in common. Humans are bonding mammals. That is, we need connection. We need the safety and strength that comes from having key others (in relationships, it’s our partner, our spouse) on whom we can depend, who will have our back, support us, show up for us, believe in us. It’s all about a safe emotional connection. 

We All Need Connection

We need this from birth. Infants need connection, attachment in order to survive. And we never stop seeking it. As adults, attachment is one way to define love. When we are securely attached, we thrive. But, if we feel unseen, unheard, unimportant, alone, distant, disconnected or worse, rejected, it isn’t just painful; it’s traumatic. Our brain codes it just the way it codes physical pain. 


So, the fight only seems to be about money or sex or in-laws or (fill in the blank). It’s about “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I count on you? Do you see me and am I important in your life?” Unless or until the answer to those questions is yes, we struggle. And no amount of negotiation or conversation skills or rules for “fighting fair” will work. We have to get deeper.


And that is what we learn and do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is rooted and grounded in all that we know about attachment science. At Hold Me Tight®️ you and your partner will learn with other couples what is really happening when you get in those same tired, seemingly endless cycles of conflict where, no matter the problem, the pattern is the same. You know one another’s moves like the back of your hand and you seem to end up in the same place every time: disconnected, neither really hearing the other, talking AT one another instead of WITH one another and miles apart when it’s all said and done. 

Don’t Give Up

Don’t give up. Hold Me Tight®️ will help you break those cycles. Hold Me Tight®️ will show you how to have conversations, not confrontations. Hold Me Tight®️ will help you restore the safe connection you desperately need. 

And the best news is, Hold Me Tight®️ is happening in Orlando THIS WEEKEND. You still have time to sign up and get in on two days that could change your relationship forever. Get all the details on the home page of this website.

Don’t miss out. Sign up today! 


  • Learn more about Vicki and Mark.
  • Sign up for our Contact List today.
  • Prepare for a transformational experience!

Have a Safety Plan

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Change Your Viewing--Change Your Doing

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A Real Learning Experience

By Mark Beck • October 9, 2024
A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is a transformational learning experience for couples. Two words there are key: learning and experience. First, what do you learn? You learn fascinating insights from attachment science. You learn that emotions are what drive us. Think about it: the word “emotion” contains the word “motion.” Emotions move us, motivate us. Emotions incite behaviors, actions and reactions. Emotions inform every level of our existence. And our most powerful, most vulnerable emotions are beneath the surface.
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Preparation is Priceless

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I Gotta Get in Shape

By Mark Beck • August 28, 2024
I recently decided I need to get in shape. I've "let myself go" for too long. Fortunately, there is no shortage of good home based video programs for resistance training, flexibility or cardio health. So, I perused the internet and found one of each. (I’m going for the total makeover!) I ordered them and when they arrived, I was excited to start my fitness journey. Some of them told me I could get in shape in “just a few minutes a day.” How hard could that be? I was all in. Let’s do this! So, I turned on the TV, queued the video, sat down on the couch and hit “Play.” I even popped some popcorn and got my favorite soda. I watched the first episode and, because I was really into it, watched a second session just for good measure. The next day, I did the same thing…sat right there on the couch and watched my fitness video. In fact, I watched every day for the next two weeks. I sat there faithfully and never missed an episode. After all, consistency is key, right? I couldn’t wait to look like those incredible people on the videos: slim, tight, perfectly toned—man, what bodies! But, something didn’t work. So far, I haven’t lost a pound. My waistline is just as big (maybe even a little bigger). I’m just as puffy and lumpy as ever. I’ll never get in shape. I don’t get it. I watched, I listened, I paid attention. What the heck? I want my money back! Okay, back to reality.

Reflections on a Hold Me Tight Couples Retreat

By Mark Beck • August 21, 2024
In this blog, I’d just like to share a few reflections on our most recent Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. As always, it was nothing sort of amazing. No two retreats are the same, but they never fail to amaze Vicki and me. Last weekend, we welcomed eight couples to our Winter Park (Orlando) FL venue. That is a little smaller group than usual, but it only makes for a warmer experience. It’s always exciting to meet new couples for the first time, to hear their stories and what brought them our way. The couples in this retreat varied in age and number of years together, from 4 years to about 40 years. It was clear that some were very stuck, unsure that they could figure out their relationship, but willing to try. Others were happy together, but wanted to make their good thing even better. Later, we learned that at least one couple saw the Hold Me Tight®️ retreat as sort of a “last best hope” before throwing in the towel on their marriage. You wouldn’t have guessed it to look at them, but they weren’t the first such couple to come to a Hold Me Tight®️ retreat as a last resort.
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