Going Deeper

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All Couples Conflict

What do you and your partner argue about? When the sparks fly, what are the hot button issues between you? No two couples are the same, but what and how couples conflict is fairly consistent. Money, sex, religion, in-laws, children, household responsibilities, how to spend leisure time: these are the big seven. Trust and commitment are also often hot topics.

Since I’m a therapist, couples often come to me to work these things out. Sadly, many of them are truly stuck by the time they do; the emotions can run very hot in my office. And it’s tempting to jump in and try to fix things for them. Sometimes, I feel like wearing a striped shirt and whistle like a referee, deciding who’s right and wrong, negotiating, finding solutions for them. If I go there, I often end up working harder than the couple and, for all the effort, it seldom works.

It’s Deeper Than That

Emotionally focused therapy has taught that it’s never really about money or sex or children…. The specific topic is just window dressing. It’s deeper than that. It’s about connection. It’s about attachment and what all humans have in common. Humans are bonding mammals. That is, we need connection. We need the safety and strength that comes from having key others (in relationships, it’s our partner, our spouse) on whom we can depend, who will have our back, support us, show up for us, believe in us. It’s all about a safe emotional connection.

We All Need Connection

We need this from birth. Infants need connection, attachment in order to survive. And we never stop seeking it. As adults, attachment is one way to define love. When we are securely attached, we thrive. But, if we feel unseen, unheard, unimportant, alone, distant, disconnected or worse, rejected, it isn’t just painful; it’s traumatic. Our brain codes it just the way it codes physical pain.

So, the fight only seems to be about money or sex or in-laws or (fill in the blank). It’s about “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I count on you? Do you see me and am I important in your life?” Unless or until the answer to those questions is yes, we struggle. And no amount of negotiation or conversation skills or rules for “fighting fair” will work. We have to get deeper.

And that is what we learn and do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is rooted and grounded in all that we know about attachment science. At Hold Me Tight®️ you and your partner will learn with other couples what is really happening when you get in those same tired, seemingly endless cycles of conflict where, no matter the problem, the pattern is the same. You know one another’s moves like the back of your hand and you seem to end up in the same place every time: disconnected, neither really hearing the other, talking AT one another instead of WITH one another and miles apart when it’s all said and done.

Don’t Give Up

Don’t give up. Hold Me Tight®️ will help you break those cycles. Hold Me Tight®️ will show you how to have conversations, not confrontations. Hold Me Tight®️ will help you restore the safe connection you desperately need.

And the best news is, Hold Me Tight®️ is happening in Orlando THIS WEEKEND. You still have time to sign up and get in on two days that could change your relationship forever. Get all the details on the home page of this website.

Don’t miss out. Sign up today!

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Have a Safety Plan

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024

Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .

In Person Or Online?

By Mark Beck • December 2, 2024

Vicki and I will start something new in March of 2025. We have been leading in person Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats at least four times a year for six years now. No two are the same; we always see amazing results and we get more than we give every time. And, in addition to our in person workshops, we’ll also begin offering online Hold Me Tight®️ workshops next year. In person and online workshops are definitely different. Each format has its own advantages. So, what’s different about the two and what is the same and which might be best for you? I’m glad you asked.

What About Love Languages?

By Mark Beck • November 19, 2024

Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” is one of the most popular and prolific couples self-help books in history. Since its initial release in 1992, through several revisions, it has sold over 20 million copies. That’s one popular book! Perhaps you’ve read it. If not, it’s worth your time. Chapman basically contends that romantic love shows up in five ways. He calls them “languages.” In no particular order, they are: personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and giving gifts. The idea is that all of us have a top one or two love languages and that couples can and should know, not only their own love language, but more so, their partner’s. And the more you and your partner speak one another’s language, the more love you’ll both share.

a Hold Me Tight Couples retreat in Orlando helps couples grow closer and more secure

Another HMT Couples Retreat in the Books

By Mark Beck • November 12, 2024

A Hold Me Tight retreat in Orlando is a safe, powerful experience for couples to grow closer together

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great place to let go of old baggage.

No More Baggage Dragging

By Mark Beck • October 30, 2024

At Hold Me Tight, couples learn to let go of old baggage.

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat is a great way to treat problems while they're still easy to fix.

Catch Problems Early

By Mark Beck • October 23, 2024

As I write this, I am waiting in my dermatologist’s office to have minor surgery. He detected a small spot of skin cancer on my face. That’s always a potential problem here in sunny Florida. Fortunately, they caught mine early and the procedure to correct it should be fairly simple. They found my skin cancer in a routine exam. That is to say, I had no symptoms. It wasn’t visible, wasn’t conspicuous, or even noticeable. But, had I ignored it, it most definitely would have worsened and possibly become serious. As they say, prevention beats treatment. And even when treatment is required, the earlier, the better.

Couples that attend a Hold Me Tight retreat in Orlando change their relationship

Change Your Viewing--Change Your Doing

By Mark Beck • October 14, 2024

Couples at a Hold Me Tight retreat in Orlando change their perspective and their behaviors to grow closer than ever before.

A Real Learning Experience

By Mark Beck • October 9, 2024

A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is a transformational learning experience for couples. Two words there are key: learning and experience. First, what do you learn? You learn fascinating insights from attachment science. You learn that emotions are what drive us. Think about it: the word “emotion” contains the word “motion.” Emotions move us, motivate us. Emotions incite behaviors, actions and reactions. Emotions inform every level of our existence. And our most powerful, most vulnerable emotions are beneath the surface.