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In Life (and Love), Perspective is Everything

Solution Focused Therapy has taught me two rules for living that, as best I can tell, always hold true. I’ve never found an exception. They are simple, but powerful. First: you see what you look for in life. Be it people you know or problems you face, how you perceive that person, that relationship, that challenge, that crisis, makes all the difference. If you look for positive in a person or situation (strength, value, beauty, worth) you will see it. You will find it. On the other hand, if you look for negative (malice, treachery, danger, disappointment) you will find that. And the second rule for living is tied inextricably to the first. Not only do you see that you look for; what you focus on, you magnify. That is, whatever you choose to see in a person or situation tends to be all that you see. And that perception will minimize and even blind you to anything opposite. If you believe a person is good and loving, you’ll be hard pressed to find negative in them. (And even if you do, it will have little weight. You’ll see it as an exception, not the rule.) Likewise, if you see that person negatively, that will likely be all you see and you’ll be hard pressed to change your mind. 

This is a natural human tendency. You see what you look for and what you focus on, you magnify. And, like most traits, these two rules can benefit you, but they can also work against you. This is especially true in love relationships. 

Cycles are Hard to Break

Many couples fall into destructive negative cycles that are hard to break—hard but not impossible. If you focus on your partner’s distance or indifference or perhaps chronic criticism or aggression, that emotional “tunnel vision” might make you lose sight of anything to the contrary. And the more of those negatives you see, the bigger they will appear to you. This is a dangerous negative spiral that makes many couples fall out of love and sometimes, throw in the towel.


But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

You Can Change Your Focus

Indeed, changing this pattern is one of the things couples learn to do at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Cycles of conflict are painful and confusing. They can feel impossible to change. But, Hold Me Tight®️ helps couples see their conflict and their whole relationship in a new light, through a new lens. Couples learn to look through an “attachment lens.” They learn the powerful lessons of attachment science. That attachment lens can help you see your partner in ways you never had before. 

See Through an Attachment Lens

Imagine how things might change if you saw your angry or indifferent partner instead as desperately seeking a safe connection with you. Imagine how different things could be if you both learned not only what you truly need in your relationship, but how to get (and give) it safely and securely. These are just some of the lessons Hold Me Tight®️ can teach you and your partner.


Don’t just understand your conflict cycles—change them. Interrupt them and change how you see one another. Hold Me Tight®️ is the place to do it. Couples consistently leave Hold Me Tight®️ workshops saying they know where they want to go and how to get there. They leave with deeper connection and the confidence to maintain it. You and your partner can be one of those couples. 


Our next Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is next month. Seating is limited so sign up today. All the details are on this website.



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As I write this, I am waiting in my dermatologist’s office to have minor surgery. He detected a small spot of skin cancer on my face. That’s always a potential problem here in sunny Florida. Fortunately, they caught mine early and the procedure to correct it should be fairly simple. They found my skin cancer in a routine exam. That is to say, I had no symptoms. It wasn’t visible, wasn’t conspicuous, or even noticeable. But, had I ignored it, it most definitely would have worsened and possibly become serious. As they say, prevention beats treatment. And even when treatment is required, the earlier, the better.
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Change Your Viewing--Change Your Doing

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A Real Learning Experience

By Mark Beck • October 9, 2024
A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is a transformational learning experience for couples. Two words there are key: learning and experience. First, what do you learn? You learn fascinating insights from attachment science. You learn that emotions are what drive us. Think about it: the word “emotion” contains the word “motion.” Emotions move us, motivate us. Emotions incite behaviors, actions and reactions. Emotions inform every level of our existence. And our most powerful, most vulnerable emotions are beneath the surface.
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Preparation is Priceless

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Two Rules for Living (and Loving)

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I Gotta Get in Shape

By Mark Beck • August 28, 2024
I recently decided I need to get in shape. I've "let myself go" for too long. Fortunately, there is no shortage of good home based video programs for resistance training, flexibility or cardio health. So, I perused the internet and found one of each. (I’m going for the total makeover!) I ordered them and when they arrived, I was excited to start my fitness journey. Some of them told me I could get in shape in “just a few minutes a day.” How hard could that be? I was all in. Let’s do this! So, I turned on the TV, queued the video, sat down on the couch and hit “Play.” I even popped some popcorn and got my favorite soda. I watched the first episode and, because I was really into it, watched a second session just for good measure. The next day, I did the same thing…sat right there on the couch and watched my fitness video. In fact, I watched every day for the next two weeks. I sat there faithfully and never missed an episode. After all, consistency is key, right? I couldn’t wait to look like those incredible people on the videos: slim, tight, perfectly toned—man, what bodies! But, something didn’t work. So far, I haven’t lost a pound. My waistline is just as big (maybe even a little bigger). I’m just as puffy and lumpy as ever. I’ll never get in shape. I don’t get it. I watched, I listened, I paid attention. What the heck? I want my money back! Okay, back to reality.

Reflections on a Hold Me Tight Couples Retreat

By Mark Beck • August 21, 2024
In this blog, I’d just like to share a few reflections on our most recent Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. As always, it was nothing sort of amazing. No two retreats are the same, but they never fail to amaze Vicki and me. Last weekend, we welcomed eight couples to our Winter Park (Orlando) FL venue. That is a little smaller group than usual, but it only makes for a warmer experience. It’s always exciting to meet new couples for the first time, to hear their stories and what brought them our way. The couples in this retreat varied in age and number of years together, from 4 years to about 40 years. It was clear that some were very stuck, unsure that they could figure out their relationship, but willing to try. Others were happy together, but wanted to make their good thing even better. Later, we learned that at least one couple saw the Hold Me Tight®️ retreat as sort of a “last best hope” before throwing in the towel on their marriage. You wouldn’t have guessed it to look at them, but they weren’t the first such couple to come to a Hold Me Tight®️ retreat as a last resort.
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