Two Rules for Living (and Loving)

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In Life (and Love), Perspective is Everything

Solution Focused Therapy has taught me two rules for living that, as best I can tell, always hold true. I’ve never found an exception. They are simple, but powerful. First: you see what you look for in life. Be it people you know or problems you face, how you perceive that person, that relationship, that challenge, that crisis, makes all the difference. If you look for positive in a person or situation (strength, value, beauty, worth) you will see it. You will find it. On the other hand, if you look for negative (malice, treachery, danger, disappointment) you will find that. And the second rule for living is tied inextricably to the first. Not only do you see that you look for; what you focus on, you magnify. That is, whatever you choose to see in a person or situation tends to be all that you see. And that perception will minimize and even blind you to anything opposite. If you believe a person is good and loving, you’ll be hard pressed to find negative in them. (And even if you do, it will have little weight. You’ll see it as an exception, not the rule.) Likewise, if you see that person negatively, that will likely be all you see and you’ll be hard pressed to change your mind.

This is a natural human tendency. You see what you look for and what you focus on, you magnify. And, like most traits, these two rules can benefit you, but they can also work against you. This is especially true in love relationships.

Cycles are Hard to Break

Many couples fall into destructive negative cycles that are hard to break—hard but not impossible. If you focus on your partner’s distance or indifference or perhaps chronic criticism or aggression, that emotional “tunnel vision” might make you lose sight of anything to the contrary. And the more of those negatives you see, the bigger they will appear to you. This is a dangerous negative spiral that makes many couples fall out of love and sometimes, throw in the towel.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

You Can Change Your Focus

Indeed, changing this pattern is one of the things couples learn to do at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Cycles of conflict are painful and confusing. They can feel impossible to change. But, Hold Me Tight®️ helps couples see their conflict and their whole relationship in a new light, through a new lens. Couples learn to look through an “attachment lens.” They learn the powerful lessons of attachment science. That attachment lens can help you see your partner in ways you never had before.

See Through an Attachment Lens

Imagine how things might change if you saw your angry or indifferent partner instead as desperately seeking a safe connection with you. Imagine how different things could be if you both learned not only what you truly need in your relationship, but how to get (and give) it safely and securely. These are just some of the lessons Hold Me Tight®️ can teach you and your partner.

Don’t just understand your conflict cycles—change them. Interrupt them and change how you see one another. Hold Me Tight®️ is the place to do it. Couples consistently leave Hold Me Tight®️ workshops saying they know where they want to go and how to get there. They leave with deeper connection and the confidence to maintain it. You and your partner can be one of those couples.

Our next Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is next month. Seating is limited so sign up today. All the details are on this website.

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Have a Safety Plan

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024

Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .

In Person Or Online?

By Mark Beck • December 2, 2024

Vicki and I will start something new in March of 2025. We have been leading in person Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats at least four times a year for six years now. No two are the same; we always see amazing results and we get more than we give every time. And, in addition to our in person workshops, we’ll also begin offering online Hold Me Tight®️ workshops next year. In person and online workshops are definitely different. Each format has its own advantages. So, what’s different about the two and what is the same and which might be best for you? I’m glad you asked.

What About Love Languages?

By Mark Beck • November 19, 2024

Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” is one of the most popular and prolific couples self-help books in history. Since its initial release in 1992, through several revisions, it has sold over 20 million copies. That’s one popular book! Perhaps you’ve read it. If not, it’s worth your time. Chapman basically contends that romantic love shows up in five ways. He calls them “languages.” In no particular order, they are: personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and giving gifts. The idea is that all of us have a top one or two love languages and that couples can and should know, not only their own love language, but more so, their partner’s. And the more you and your partner speak one another’s language, the more love you’ll both share.

a Hold Me Tight Couples retreat in Orlando helps couples grow closer and more secure

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By Mark Beck • November 12, 2024

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Going Deeper

By Mark Beck • November 5, 2024

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great place to let go of old baggage.

No More Baggage Dragging

By Mark Beck • October 30, 2024

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A Hold Me Tight couples retreat is a great way to treat problems while they're still easy to fix.

Catch Problems Early

By Mark Beck • October 23, 2024

As I write this, I am waiting in my dermatologist’s office to have minor surgery. He detected a small spot of skin cancer on my face. That’s always a potential problem here in sunny Florida. Fortunately, they caught mine early and the procedure to correct it should be fairly simple. They found my skin cancer in a routine exam. That is to say, I had no symptoms. It wasn’t visible, wasn’t conspicuous, or even noticeable. But, had I ignored it, it most definitely would have worsened and possibly become serious. As they say, prevention beats treatment. And even when treatment is required, the earlier, the better.

Couples that attend a Hold Me Tight retreat in Orlando change their relationship

Change Your Viewing--Change Your Doing

By Mark Beck • October 14, 2024

Couples at a Hold Me Tight retreat in Orlando change their perspective and their behaviors to grow closer than ever before.

A Real Learning Experience

By Mark Beck • October 9, 2024

A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is a transformational learning experience for couples. Two words there are key: learning and experience. First, what do you learn? You learn fascinating insights from attachment science. You learn that emotions are what drive us. Think about it: the word “emotion” contains the word “motion.” Emotions move us, motivate us. Emotions incite behaviors, actions and reactions. Emotions inform every level of our existence. And our most powerful, most vulnerable emotions are beneath the surface.