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The Five Love Languages

Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” is one of the most popular and prolific couples self-help books in history. Since its initial release in 1992, through several revisions, it has sold over 20 million copies. That’s one popular book! Perhaps you’ve read it. If not, it’s worth your time. Chapman basically contends that romantic love shows up in five ways. He calls them “languages.” In no particular order, they are: personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and giving gifts. The idea is that all of us have a top one or two love languages and that couples can and should know, not only their own love language, but more so, their partner’s. And the more you and your partner speak one another’s language, the more love you’ll both share. 

A Few Reflections

As a therapist familiar with attachment science, I’d like to share a few thoughts on the five love languages. This is not to criticize or minimize Dr. Chapman’s work. His book has obviously enriched many, many couples. But, three things about the love languages are worth bearing in mind.

Don’t Generalize

First, Chapman says that we all have one or two primary love languages. To suggest that there are only five—and that one or two love languages define us—oversimplifies a very complex topic. No one is a one (or two) trick pony. For example, if your partner’s “primary” love language is words of affirmation and they call you from the side of the highway, having run out of gas, I don’t recommend that you offer compliments. What they need right there (and what will no doubt speak love) would be an act of service—in the form of a gas can! 


Chapman would be the first to tell you that his five love languages are anecdotal. He deduced them from his own experience as a pastoral counselor. They seem spot on, but they have no research behind them. No doubt, there are other languages. Perhaps we’d do well not to assume, but instead to ask what our partner needs at a given moment. The very act of asking can be a love language in its own rite that shows you care and that no doubt will make your partner feel valued. 

Don’t Weaponize

Second, Chapman’s goal in the book (and what many couples miss) is for couples to learn their partner’s language rather than getting their partner to speak theirs. If the book merely makes your case that your partner isn’t showing up for you (“I need more acts of service and he/she won’t give me that!”) it won’t help your relationship; it will likely only damage it. And, on a deeper note, it’s easy for couples to fall into a transactional trap with “The Five Love Languages.” By that I mean you might find yourself saying, “I’ll give you more acts of service if you give me more physical touch.” And, then, you slip into negotiating, scorekeeping and bargaining for the best deal. That doesn’t build love; it creates friction. Be careful not to weaponize the five love languages.

Go Deeper!

And last, while the book can indeed strengthen your relationship, just changing behaviors (more acts of service or more quality time, etc.) sometimes glosses over deeper hurts, fears and disconnection that couples ignore at their peril. If a lamp is unplugged, changing the bulb won’t do any good. Just changing relationship behaviors can be like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. This is where attachment science comes in. It takes us deeper, to the real needs and fears and hurts that couples simply must address first. So, for all the good that “The Five Love Languages” can do and has done, real intimacy, real connection is deeper. 


And that’s the power of Hold Me Tight®️. 

Hold Me Tight®️ Goes Deeper

Hold Me Tight®️ picks up where other good work leaves off. It’s rooted in attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the gold standard for healthy relationships. I appreciate Gary Chapman’s vital contributions to countless couples. But, I love that Hold Me Tight®️ goes further, deeper, to where couples truly connect, feel safe and heal. 


If you’re ready to go there in your relationship, Hold Me Tight®️ is for you. Plan now to join us in February for our next couples retreat near Orlando, FL. Get all the details on this website.


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