Changing the Conversation

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Changing the Conversation

Human beings are creatures of habit. We tend to repeat familiar patterns. It conserves mental energy, which is what our brains are built to do. But, familiar is not necessarily best. For example, have you noticed that you and your partner tend to have the same, familiar arguments? No matter the topic, we tend to conflict in the same patterns. Very often, one partner speaks up—or pursues the matter, trying to get it resolved. The other withdraws—or tries to avoid or minimize it to keep the peace. No matter the topic, it’s usually the same pattern. We’re used to it. It’s familiar. We gravitate toward familiar. But not only does it seldom work; it usually leads to greater conflict.

Stuck in Negative Patterns

Yet, couples often stay stuck in these patterns, not knowing how to change it; they keep doing the same thing. “Once more with feeling.” “If I just say it louder or longer, maybe he (or she) will finally hear me.” Or, “If I just don’t argue, maybe he (or she) will lay down their arms and we can have peace.”

But that seldom happens. The conversations only become confrontations and the list of “no talk” topics grows. So does the distance between partners. It may indeed be the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Conflict Is Not the Problem

It doesn’t have to be that way. Conflict is not pleasant, but it is inevitable. No couple agrees on everything—and they wouldn’t want to! And conflict is not the problem. It’s conflict that escalates and becomes toxic. So, it’s not conflict, it’s how we manage it. It’s the patterns we fall into, patterns with good intentions (we want to connect, to resolve problems) but bad results (we only end up distant and disconnected).

So, if A + B = C and you don’t like C, you have to change A or B. If conversations only become confrontations, it’s time to change the conversations.

Change the Conversation

How do we do that? How can we slant the playing field in your favor for you and your partner? Here are a few simple moves that can make a big difference.

Start gently. The first 30 seconds of a conversation set the tone. How you start is crucial. If you start with irritation or anger, chances are, you’ll soon be in an argument. Start gently. Put your partner at ease. “Let’s work on a solution to something that’s been on my mind.” Find something to affirm or appreciate about your relationship. Starting positively can make a world of difference.
Avoid blame. Avoid criticism. Avoid fault finding that often comes with global language: “Why do you always…?” or “You never….” Blame is a kind of attack and almost always puts your partner on the defensive. When the attack/defend dance starts, it’s very hard to stop and it never goes well. That doesn’t mean you can’t have complaints. The trick is to complain without blame. And how do you do that?
Try sticking to your experience, not your opinion. It’s one thing to say, “I miss our time together.” It’s quite another to say, “You never spend any time with me.” One tells your experience. The other is an attack…blame…that will likely get pushback and off you go on another argument.
Focus on what you want, not what you dislike. In every complaint, there is a wish, a desire that you can state clearly. Rather than as above, “You never spend any time with me,” try, “I’d like for us to go out Friday or Saturday night. I’d love to be with you.”
And last (for now), use “we” language. “We are in a funk. I don’t like the arguments that we get stuck in. I hope we can change it.” That’s infinitely better than pointing out your partner's wrong moves. Patterns, good or bad require both partners. Both partners start them and both can change them. So, use we language to team up.

Dr. John Gottman says that in every argument, there is a conversation the couple could have had, should have had that could bring them closer. The trick is to change the conversation.

Hold Me Tight Can Help!

These are some of what we learn together in our Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats in Orlando. Hold Me Tight®️ is two days together with other couples learning how to change the conversations that matter. We learn from one another. We also learn from the years of research and results surrounding Emotionally Focused Therapy. The workshop is not therapy; it’s helping you and your partner break patterns that don’t work and only lead to worse. Whether your relationship is truly struggling or you just want to go from good to great, Hold Me Tight®️ is a great place to start.

Our next retreat is in August. But the time to get in on it is now. All the details are on this website. Come join us in Orlando.

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